Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
