i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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