Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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