I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
