Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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