I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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