He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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