I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
