We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
