my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
