Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
