I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
