the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
