I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
no you cant smoke seaweed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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