he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
