I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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