You're so nebulous sometimes
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
