i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I love you.
Bad choice
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
