I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
