I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
