my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
