I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
