i need an iv and a liver transplant
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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