Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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