I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
