she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
