I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
