Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
