when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
