found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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