Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
