Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Send help, water and tortillas.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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