Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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