I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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