Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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