Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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