Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
