My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
