someone owes me an orgasm
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
