So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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