Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
