He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Sober January is a disaster.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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