Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
