Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
