i was born a porn star she said
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
