i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize