smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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