Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Are we still banned from the library?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
