when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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