I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize