I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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