i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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