I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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