Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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