I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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