3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
