1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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