The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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