she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
