I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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