you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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